Where do I even start

My last post was 2019...  Its now 2022... almost the end of 2022.  The things that have happened between then and now...  At that time I was in a horrible relationship. I knew it too. I just settled bc "I knew this train wreck and was used to it" BOY was I an idiot. Finally in 2021... it ended. 5 years of lies, cheating, the gut wrench every time I found something new. And the things I found out after.. How could someone do those things to a person they claim to love?  Outright do those things. No mistakes, no accidents, no I'm so sorry I didn't mean it but blatant disrespect and come home and tell them they love you?! I just cant. 

I have healed so much since then. Yet I have so much damage left. I worry constantly that someone is lying to me. I worry that I'm not worth the effort, or that I am too much. I worry that the self worth I felt due to those actions is true. But it's not right?  I can sit here and tell you all about me. I can sit here and tell you I am one of the most genuine and kind hearted people on this planet. I can tell you that I will put myself out to accommodate another human. I can tell you that I want to help or save every person. I have hurt to know that I physically couldn't take someones pain away.. I hurt thinking that I cant save everyone. 

Lets fast forward to 2021 shall we? April I found out my ex was physically cheating on me with a married woman. I confronted her and she lied to my face. I mean what did I expect? I confronted him and that's where it all went to hell in a hand basket. He told me.. If you are going to have an attitude you can carry your ass back to Victoria... We were at his brothers in Richmond..  Excuse me?! HOW could someone who just go caught say that?! Anyway, I cant let it go. September it was over and his things were packed and moved out of my house for his pick up. He got what he wanted. So why did he need to stalk me, ride by my house and text me at 1 am and show up in my yard? Why did he need to email me constantly like we were good friends? Who knows.. 

Lets skip to the good part. I got a message from a guy asking about my guardian light I got for working on 95 in stony creek .. We started talking more and more after I stopped ignoring his messages for days at a time. He invited me to hang out for New Years, and it was the most awkward New Years Countdown I have ever encountered. This was the second time we had been around each other so surely I wasn't kissing this man. I didn't know him.. I stayed at his house and he slept upstairs. I down stairs with the dogs and the rest is history. We became official 10 days later. He was nothing like I had ever experienced. I was floating. 

Fast Forward to today. August. I haven't seen him in 9 days. He never liked my social media. He said I sought attention and had too many males pecking for my attention. He said I betrayed him when I feel as though our conversation was clear that I was not able to deactivate my fb bc of my game. I left my login info for him to have access-- I don't have anything to hide. I have been on the receiving end of the gut wrenching pain finding out you've been cheated on. I could never do that. But in this moment. I feel as though he thinks I did. I feel like my whole world is on fire. I am broken knowing I have caused him to feel that feeling. I am sad to think this is my fault.I have since deleted all my social media. I had been wanting to get rid of some of it for some time now but just didn't. Its stagnant. but its a comfort to not feel so alone without actually having to socialize. I can do this from my bed or wherever. I have been all over the spectrum of what to do. I have done nothing though to make a difference and I don't know that it ever will make a difference. 

If I can be honest tho.. this feels like what my mom used to do to me growing up. She would be mad and not talk to me. Not offer any type of communication as to what she needed from me and I had to figure it out or ride it out. I hate this feeling. I am terrified. But I know I'll do anything. I have experienced what I want for my future. He is everything I want. He is so smart and so talented. He can do any and everything he wants to do with ease! I am just sick thinking I have completely destroyed any shot at a future we may have had. Im trying so hard not to get down but some days it wins. I hope that my next entry is to say we made it out. I hope its to say we are it this was the end and I can now live my life as it was meant to be lived. With my dogs, and hunting and Brandon. 

Hopefully next time I won't have any more strife to write about and I can close the chapter of blogging to get my feelings out   

Until next post