Mixed Emotions.
2019.
Where have I been, where am I going?
I know the answer to one of those. I have been to hell and back a few times. I have failed, succeeded, and just broke even. I have won some, lost some, lost big sometimes. In the end, I have always gotten back up.
I have loved with all my heart, and been disregarded. I have loved and no matter how hard, it never mattered.
Here I am, 2019 and I have been married and divorced once. Something I never intended to do. Either of them. But I did. I still struggle with those decisions. I second guess things. I forget what took me to that point. We often times, want to recall the comfort, or happy- and think we made a mistake. We tend to see one side of the current story and think we made the wrong decision. BUT WE DIDNT. I didn't. I was unhappy. I was not treated how I should have been. I was not in a 50/50 situation. I have to remember that.
Are we ever really in a 50/50 situation though? IS there ever a time where we are on the same page as the next human? I don't think so. We can say we are over and over, but honestly, we never really give in entirely to that person to be 50/50. If we did we would lose part of who we are. I think we are stubborn and cant fully do this. Its just human nature.
Here I am, 2019 and while I have my shit together, I still feel like I am just making it day to day. The last year has been a whirlwind. Sometimes I catch myself wondering wtf I'm doing, wtf I want out of my life. Am I too old to move forward with the "dream" or should I be this Disney divorcee who moves with the mindset that its me against the world? Ill never have more kids, the picket fence life, I'll be robbed yet again of the treasures in life.
Just yesterday, I spoke to my brother. I have not had a conversation with him in years. We speak but that's about it. Our relationship has never existed. He is gonna be a daddy. In July. I will be an Aunt. I will have a niece. Can I tell you how many emotions I have?! Especially with the fact that I may not be able to have more of my own. I may be too old to start over etc. I am going to have a niece!! I want to buy all the things. ALL OF THE THINGS.
Where do I go from here? I feel as though I am at a stalemate. I don't know where to go anymore. Lost is an understatement. Life shouldn't feel this way. Ever. Good Advice never comes when I need it and I wouldn't even know where to begin to explain how I feel to get advice. Would I even follow it if I got it though? Probably not.
I have a lot to work out. I cant tell you the shit I have stacked up. It affects every relationship. Every Single ONE. Makes me feel no self worth. Makes me feel as if I am a burden. All the time.
So where do I go from here? Who knows. I just know time forces us to move forward. Baggage and all. So here I am.
2019.
Where have I been, where am I going?
I know the answer to one of those. I have been to hell and back a few times. I have failed, succeeded, and just broke even. I have won some, lost some, lost big sometimes. In the end, I have always gotten back up.
I have loved with all my heart, and been disregarded. I have loved and no matter how hard, it never mattered.
Here I am, 2019 and I have been married and divorced once. Something I never intended to do. Either of them. But I did. I still struggle with those decisions. I second guess things. I forget what took me to that point. We often times, want to recall the comfort, or happy- and think we made a mistake. We tend to see one side of the current story and think we made the wrong decision. BUT WE DIDNT. I didn't. I was unhappy. I was not treated how I should have been. I was not in a 50/50 situation. I have to remember that.
Are we ever really in a 50/50 situation though? IS there ever a time where we are on the same page as the next human? I don't think so. We can say we are over and over, but honestly, we never really give in entirely to that person to be 50/50. If we did we would lose part of who we are. I think we are stubborn and cant fully do this. Its just human nature.
Here I am, 2019 and while I have my shit together, I still feel like I am just making it day to day. The last year has been a whirlwind. Sometimes I catch myself wondering wtf I'm doing, wtf I want out of my life. Am I too old to move forward with the "dream" or should I be this Disney divorcee who moves with the mindset that its me against the world? Ill never have more kids, the picket fence life, I'll be robbed yet again of the treasures in life.
Just yesterday, I spoke to my brother. I have not had a conversation with him in years. We speak but that's about it. Our relationship has never existed. He is gonna be a daddy. In July. I will be an Aunt. I will have a niece. Can I tell you how many emotions I have?! Especially with the fact that I may not be able to have more of my own. I may be too old to start over etc. I am going to have a niece!! I want to buy all the things. ALL OF THE THINGS.
Where do I go from here? I feel as though I am at a stalemate. I don't know where to go anymore. Lost is an understatement. Life shouldn't feel this way. Ever. Good Advice never comes when I need it and I wouldn't even know where to begin to explain how I feel to get advice. Would I even follow it if I got it though? Probably not.
I have a lot to work out. I cant tell you the shit I have stacked up. It affects every relationship. Every Single ONE. Makes me feel no self worth. Makes me feel as if I am a burden. All the time.
So where do I go from here? Who knows. I just know time forces us to move forward. Baggage and all. So here I am.
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